Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
