I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
