I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
