If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
