i just sent this text using only my big toe
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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