Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
