she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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