i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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