I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
