Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
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He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
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I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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