Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
