My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Houston, we have a squirter
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
