In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
