I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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