You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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