im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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