the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
