What did we do last night that was yellow?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
