You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
