someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
