My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
