my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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