There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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