Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
