I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
