nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
