If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
