oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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