Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
