I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
