my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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