So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
