Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
