I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
