i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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