I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
