I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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