Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
