thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
