your parents love me but you hate me
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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