Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
