It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
