who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
two words: eviction party
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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