I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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