Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
there is puke in my bra ... again
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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