My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
