Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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