OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
