my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
