The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
and she was petting her beer can
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
