i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
