giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
