we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
