I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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