It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
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The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
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HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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