Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
is it fun? or sober?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
